For me, the New Year doesn't bring as much reflection as does Springtime. Probably because it means that we've made it through another winter. I think we can all relate to that. As I'm aging, I've started to really realize notice the seasons. Not just the physical seasons and the elements - but the seasons of LIFE. Maybe it's because when you're in your 30s you're guaranteed to have to had endure some shit. No matter who you are, where you came from, what your childhood was like, how much money you had/have, and no matter how many successes you've had - you've gone through some shit by the time you've hit your 30s. Actually - I'll be 35 in a week, so my (ahem) mid-30s. Back to the seasons. Not to assume that everyone is in a good season in Spring, but looking back at where I was a year ago, I realize that I came out of a dark season over this past year, and I am in a good season. For now at least.
Let's rewind to a year and a half ago, and I'll give you the cliff notes version. We realized that Josh's alcohol consumption was a problem, and had turned into addiction that had been neglected and denied for awhile. Before I go any further, I have to stop give him props because I know this is hard for him that I'm writing this. I've made a commitment to be real and authentic because I feel that sharing my story could help others, but my story involves him, so I appreciate that he's willing to let me share. Life is so much better now and Josh is sober and amazing and wowing me every damn day of what an amazing dad and husband he is. Not that he was bad before, but he's putting his old self to shame these days. And he is okay with me sharing because he knows that it could help someone that may be in the same shoes he was in. He's a pretty incredible guy. He's definitely winning at life in this season - but it hasn't been easy.
The path to sobriety was painfully difficult for the whole family during this process. This catapulted me into a sickness that I couldn't shake for months. My asthma from when I was a kid reappeared out of nowhere, I had bronchitis, it turned to pneumonia - it just wouldn't go away. Antibiotics, steroids - nothing worked. It kept coming back. Every day felt like groundhog day: the same, still hurt, still sick, still drained. Hard times and loneliness combined with days of cloudiness and rain brought on a deep depression. I can only speak from my own experience but for me it was deep and dark, even though someone from the outside might not have had a clue. We are all so good at putting our happy, fake, "everything's good!" faces on, aren't we? When you're in it, it's survival mode. Our kids were all having some difficult issues and health problems as well, which added to difficulty of our season. It really felt like God wouldn't give us a break. But he did. And looking back on it now, I realize that we had to experience all the shitiness of the season to really learn and grow. Isn't that the way things go?
And looking back on it now, I realize that we had to experience all the shitiness of the season to really learn and grow. Isn't that the way things go?
It was in the Spring last year when I started to finally feel better - mentally and physically. When I had first got sick and couldn't do my bootcamp/running workouts that I'd been used to, I started to do more yoga. It was the only thing I could do physically, and the mental benefits were worth it alone. It was about a year ago when a good friend (thank you Liz) suggested that I become a yoga teacher. This idea seemed crazy! But I liked it. And deep down, it was actually something I always dreamed about, but more of a dream I thought would never EVER be a reality. How could I be a yoga teacher? I could barely touch my toes! I've never been flexible! I can't do the headstands and fancy poses. Putting these thoughts aside, I thought there was no harm in just looking into it. I started doing research and asking around and found a YTT 200 hour training that would fit my schedule - in Canada. There just so happened to be an info session that next week. I can remember the feeling I had driving to that session. I felt empowered. I felt like the old me - the old me I was before I was married, before I had kids. The me who was confident, the me who knew what I wanted and what I was capable of. Who had I become? Well a mother and wife and caretaker - which I love. I absolutely love that role. I love taking care of my family. But where did I lose myself? That's what having an alcoholic in the family and enabling for so many years does. When you're living in chaos and taking care of everyone else but yourself - that's how you lose yourself. And I know if Josh reads this it would make him sad, and it's not all his fault - there were other factors. But the beauty of it all is that if I hadn't had lost myself, I never would have found myself.
“the beauty of it all is that if I hadn't had lost myself, I never would have found myself.”
Josh was supportive so I signed up that next week to complete the 200 hour training in the fall. I knew that the training would be beneficial even if I decided I didn't want to teach at the end of it. It was the best experience ever! Not easy, in fact, grueling and overwhelming and hard (Hello - anatomy exams?!) But I was also learning so much about my body, myself and who I am.
I don't think we do that enough. We don't give ourselves that time - maybe we think of it as a luxury, but it's not a luxury, it's a necessity to be healthy in mind, body, spirit. Think of all the sick days and visits to the doctor and medication that could be prevented if we did preventative care to give ourselves what we need? Whether it's sleep, being more active, or a healthy diet. I know I will have more to say about this in another post so I won't say anymore. Anyway, it was a beautiful experience with other beautiful friends and an amazing instructor. I can't say enough about it. And after it was all said and done, I didn't want to lose my skill of teaching so I decided I did want to teach. I got an offer to teach at a local gym so I took it, and here we are.
All within a year. It wasn't until I was talking to good friend after I did a private session for her that she brought up how far I'd come in the last year. I had been reflecting back in the fall when it was a year from finding out about Josh's alcoholism, but I hadn't really thought about it too much again. But yea. Wow. I'm pretty proud of myself. I know not all years will be like this one - there will be more hurt and pain and hard times and learning hard lessons, just as life is. But the fact that I made it through the last year and a half and came out stronger and healthier, means that I will be well equipped when the next storm of a season hits. And I know I'll be able to make it through. I don't even know who will read this, but thank you to each of my friends and family who have supported me throughout these seasons - you know who you are. And I love you all. The most special and biggest thank you goes out to Josh for choosing to live his better life. Babe, you were never a bad dad or a bad husband - EVER, but now you are the best DAD and HUBS I could ever dream of. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for being YOU.
Peace. XOXO Allie
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